Mercedes has already done an impressive job turning their once appealing and utilitarian G-Wagen into a leather-slathered, overdone block of idiot, but it takes the real magicians over at Brabus to push the Mercedes-Benz G500 4x4² to the true limits of stupid.
Using cutting-edge technology, vast amounts of expensive materials, and experimental drugs designed to eliminate a human’s sense of reason and taste, Brabus has created their edition of the G500 4x4², and the results are impressive.
Brabus has managed to increase the output of the twin turbo 4-liter V8 by 78 HP, making the total a nice, round, useless 500 HP. All that power is electronically limited (because of the all-terrain tires and very likely the overall cyborg-shed-on-stilts design) to a 130 MPH top speed, which means anyone lucky enough to find a place to go flat out in this G500 can have the satisfaction of being beaten by a Hyundai Veloster Turbo (top speed 139 MPH).
Since it’s all but guaranteed no Brabus G500 4x4² will ever go willingly off-road despite the portal axles, massive ground clearance, all-terrain tires, and permanent all-wheel drive, Brabus body engineers were free to design such fantastically absurd add-ons like mirror-polished skid plates, LED driving lights set at the most extreme, vulnerable lower edges of the bodywork, and nice, expensive clear-coated carbon fiber fender flares, grille surrounds, and other costly, easily damaged bits.
Inside, there’s so much black quilted leather and red piping that Brabus had to hire a team of 15 interior designers from Amsterdam’s most prestigious S&M clubs just to make all the elements work together properly.
As of press time, it’s not clear if the cup holders are still the same ones as used on the regular G-Wagen, which look like those little novelty basketball goals you clip to trash cans.
“I’m so excited about this insipid, wildly expensive and gloriously useless vehicle,” said Lyre McNotreal, Brabus’ fictitious spokesperson I made up just now.
“I mean, think about it — it’s got a huge-ass, powerful engine, but it’s not really all that fast. It’s shaped like a dumpster, and it’s teetering way up high, so it’s not like can handle for shit, either. It’s archaic and cramped inside, but we slathered so much fucking leather in there, it’s like you’re in Cattle Hell. It guzzles gas, no one in their right mind will take it off-road — I mean, come on, we put fucking mirrors on for skid plates!”
“Mirror-polished skid plates! You can’t make this shit up!,” McNotreal added, pausing to take a long swig from a Mrs.Butterworth’s bottle filled with rubbing alcohol.
“We’re gonna make so much money off this ridiculous thing,” McNotreal laughed, forcing a bulging fist of expired Ambien and Ketamine pills into his mouth. “So much fucking money.”
Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.